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This post gets somewhat introspective and a bit disjointed. Content notes as per the title, so read with care if necessary.
Despite occasional quibbles with some of their reporting of the science, I am, broadly speaking, a strong supporter of the health at every size movement. Particular beliefs I share with them are:
There’s a separate thing about weight and attractiveness, and the lack of actual objective correlation between them but the overwhelmingly common view that there is a correct and most attractive size and shape to be. I’ve mostly teased them apart internally, and although I’m hardly completely immune to societal pressure, by now size seems to have relatively little impact on how attractive I find someone. It took a lot of work after my body stopped being the socially mandated correct size, but nowadays that applies to how I view myself as well, and if the cloning tech were available I would do me in a second. Despite this I still expect other people to view me through that socially prescribed lens, and am always surprised when someone finds me attractive, especially if they themselves are conventionally gorgeous.
I had an eating disorder in my mid-late teens. It was never diagnosed, and I think that it was mostly a manifestation of the depression rather than a thing in itself, but for a long time I had some very messed up ideas about thinness, and engaged in pretty unhealthy behaviours in the pursuit thereof. And although the behaviour is long gone, and the ideas are dormant, deep down that yearning to be thin, thinner, a fragile web of thorns…. It lurks.
On another more straightforward level I would still prefer to be closer to the ‘conventionally attractive’ shape, because I would like more casual dating in my life, and whilst I would like to say “I don’t want to date anyone superficial enough to care about my weight anyway”, in practice for various reasons my pool of potential partners is pretty tiny to begin with, so I’d rather not restrict it further. But I’m aware that deliberately trying to get thinner will be like standing over the lurking darkness, yelling “Wake up, wake up”, and poking it with a sharp stick.
As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, in the last year or so, and particularly in the last six months, I’ve been doing quite a lot more exercise than I had previously - initially mostly running, and now mostly weightlifting. I’ve also reduced my alcohol intake from “lots” to “almost nothing”. This has been really good for me - I’ve got more energy, I’m stronger, I’m sleeping better, my blood sugar, blood pressure and liver fat have improved, my skin is clearer, and so on. This is all good.
And despite it not being the aim, I’ve also gotten thinner. This is… complicated. Because even doing it without trying to is prodding the lurking dark with a toe and then slipping away when its eyes start to flicker. And although knowing that I’m probably becoming more attractive to more people is nice in its way, it means that I’m thinking about it more than when my shape was stable, and therefore also more conscious of the remaining gap between where I am now and where society thinks I should ideally be. So I find myself wanting to be thinner, but very wary of trying to get thinner, and definitely wanting to keep exercising, because dammit I want to be strong and healthy, and wanting to make sure that I have a good diet in the sense of “the right nutrients and plenty of protein so that I keep getting stronger”, but concerned that I’ll end up using that as a mask for in fact, trying to get thinner.
I don’t think there’s any great need to worry about me. My actual eating and exercise patterns are really quite healthy, and after a while my body should find a new set-point and go back to being a stable size and shape. I’m fairly sure that once that happens the lurker will go back to sleep again. I have to put up with some psychological tension in the meantime, but that’s a small price to pay tobe thin and beautiful have better health in the long term.
Despite occasional quibbles with some of their reporting of the science, I am, broadly speaking, a strong supporter of the health at every size movement. Particular beliefs I share with them are:
- It is possible to be healthy at a wide range of BMIs
- In general, the correlation between {exercise levels and diet} and BMI is far from absolute, and the former are a much better predictor of health than the latter
- No-one is morally obliged to be healthy
- Making people feel ashamed of their body shape and size is an ineffective way to get them to change it
- Even if it were effective, it would be a loathsome thing to do
- Trying to change {exercise levels and diet} with the sole aim of losing weight has a very low success rate in the long term, and a lot of the changes made in these attempts have net negative effects on people’s health
- As a rule, eating a diet with a sensible balance of macronutrients, plenty of micronutrients, and getting a moderate amount of exercise will have significant health benefits irrespective of its effect on weight
There’s a separate thing about weight and attractiveness, and the lack of actual objective correlation between them but the overwhelmingly common view that there is a correct and most attractive size and shape to be. I’ve mostly teased them apart internally, and although I’m hardly completely immune to societal pressure, by now size seems to have relatively little impact on how attractive I find someone. It took a lot of work after my body stopped being the socially mandated correct size, but nowadays that applies to how I view myself as well, and if the cloning tech were available I would do me in a second. Despite this I still expect other people to view me through that socially prescribed lens, and am always surprised when someone finds me attractive, especially if they themselves are conventionally gorgeous.
I had an eating disorder in my mid-late teens. It was never diagnosed, and I think that it was mostly a manifestation of the depression rather than a thing in itself, but for a long time I had some very messed up ideas about thinness, and engaged in pretty unhealthy behaviours in the pursuit thereof. And although the behaviour is long gone, and the ideas are dormant, deep down that yearning to be thin, thinner, a fragile web of thorns…. It lurks.
On another more straightforward level I would still prefer to be closer to the ‘conventionally attractive’ shape, because I would like more casual dating in my life, and whilst I would like to say “I don’t want to date anyone superficial enough to care about my weight anyway”, in practice for various reasons my pool of potential partners is pretty tiny to begin with, so I’d rather not restrict it further. But I’m aware that deliberately trying to get thinner will be like standing over the lurking darkness, yelling “Wake up, wake up”, and poking it with a sharp stick.
As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, in the last year or so, and particularly in the last six months, I’ve been doing quite a lot more exercise than I had previously - initially mostly running, and now mostly weightlifting. I’ve also reduced my alcohol intake from “lots” to “almost nothing”. This has been really good for me - I’ve got more energy, I’m stronger, I’m sleeping better, my blood sugar, blood pressure and liver fat have improved, my skin is clearer, and so on. This is all good.
And despite it not being the aim, I’ve also gotten thinner. This is… complicated. Because even doing it without trying to is prodding the lurking dark with a toe and then slipping away when its eyes start to flicker. And although knowing that I’m probably becoming more attractive to more people is nice in its way, it means that I’m thinking about it more than when my shape was stable, and therefore also more conscious of the remaining gap between where I am now and where society thinks I should ideally be. So I find myself wanting to be thinner, but very wary of trying to get thinner, and definitely wanting to keep exercising, because dammit I want to be strong and healthy, and wanting to make sure that I have a good diet in the sense of “the right nutrients and plenty of protein so that I keep getting stronger”, but concerned that I’ll end up using that as a mask for in fact, trying to get thinner.
I don’t think there’s any great need to worry about me. My actual eating and exercise patterns are really quite healthy, and after a while my body should find a new set-point and go back to being a stable size and shape. I’m fairly sure that once that happens the lurker will go back to sleep again. I have to put up with some psychological tension in the meantime, but that’s a small price to pay to
