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Last week I went for a silent retreat at St Beuno's (pronounced bi nose) Jesuit Centre. It was a profoundly enriching experience, challenging at times, comforting at others, and one which has left my faith deeper, richer and far more steadfast than it has ever been.
I was there from 16.00 on Monday until 9.00 on Friday morning, and the vast majority of that was in silence. After arriving and settling in there was a welcome Mass, followed by supper, where we could talk, then an introductory meeting with all the retreatants, and then a more in depth introduction for the group of four of us who would all have the same spiritual director. From then on the only conversation I had was about 45 minutes each day with her, until breakfast on the Friday.
In that first introduction we were given some suggestions for how to start the retreat, for how to structure our days, and some suggested bits of scripture to aid our prayer. The remaining days followed a fairly simple pattern. I would wake, pray a little, have breakfast, do some exercise, pray some more, see my spiritual director, have lunch, spend the afternoon in a mixture of leisure (some reading, some walking, some piano practice, and some doing a jigsaw puzzle) and more prayer, then daily Mass at 17:45, dinner at 18:30, exposition of the blessed sacrament at 19:45, then more prayer and early to bed.
My private prayer was mostly at least starting with the traditional ignation techniques of imaginative contemplation of scripture, the examen, and lectio divina, as well as a fair amount of meditation-like sitting in stillness with God. It was challenging at times. My brain has a tendency to get distracted and end up thinking about quite mundane things and having to be pulled back to prayer, but even in the few short days I was there I noticed this habit diminishing. It was also challenging in that it made me confront some fears and face some aspects of myself that are difficult to look at. But there were breakthroughs, and comfort, and a growing awareness of God's awe inspiring love and care. The centre had lots of spaces for prayer, but I went to the same one every time. The Capel y Coed (Woodland Chapel) has a toughened glass tabernacle which is simultaneously a monstrance, leaving the blessed sacrament exposed at all times, and so that was where I always went.
I had thought in advance that I was probably not someone who would find the silence especially difficult, and I was correct in that, but I was surprised how good it felt, and how little lonely. Having space and time to just be with myself in contemplation and prayer filled a deep need, in a life that is often so busy and full - full with a surfeit of joys and blessings, but still, very full. I slept a lot. I was going to bed between 21:30 and 22:00, and generally sleeping through until my alarm at 7:00, which is clearly a sign of how much I was in need of rest.
I'm not going to talk too much about the detail of the prayer and the spiritual growth that happened, because it feels a bit too private, but I've come away full of intentions of changes to make to build on and continue that growth. One thing I realised it that I need to be a bit more intentional about how I spend my time, because I am always taking on too much, and if there are things I want to do more of, then I also need to make decisions about what to do less of, rather than just letting it be whatever ball drops first when my juggling gets too ambitious. It became clearer that all the most precious things in my life are grounded in my relationships with other people, and so, in what feels like a very odd thing to say, I've decided that in he future I'm going to read fewer books. I do enjoy reading, but at least some of the time I'm reading things because I feel as though I ought to (or ought to have read them), and I'm not going to do that anymore. I'll still read things I'm genuinely excited about, and things that have been specifically recommended to me, because that is a way of building the relationship with the person who made the recommendation. But everything that was on my to-read list because I felt it should be, is now gone.
One of the things I'm going to do with the time that I've hopefully freed up is try to make more time for prayer in my daily life. I'm going to try and make saying the examen a daily (or at least most days) habit, and to make time for a longer and more in depth period of private prayer at least twice a week. I came away with a fairly clear sense that what I should be doing in the church is essentially continuing as I am for the time being. Divesting some of my administrative responsibilities, but still being available where that work is needed, and taking on a bit more with the musical life of the church. I've also resolved to make more effort to engage with the community life of the church - to make sure that I mingle with the congregation at coffee after Mass, and wait until a bit later to disappear into the sacristy to count the collection or fill in forms, or tidy things away. And in particular, to talk to people I know less well, or new people, rather than having the majority of my conversations with people I see outside church as well.
That feels like quite a lot to have come out of just three days of retreat, but in some ways it also feels like just the start, and that as time progresses it will become clear what other work I need to do in my day to day life. But also, it feels like this was just the start of my life as a retreatant, and that I will be going back to St Beuno's again and again. Next year I hope to go on a longer retreat of eight days, and a year or two after than I'm going to aim to do the full Spiritual Exercises - a programme set out by St Ignatius which lasts thirty days. It's a slightly daunting prospect, but also a very exciting one.
I was there from 16.00 on Monday until 9.00 on Friday morning, and the vast majority of that was in silence. After arriving and settling in there was a welcome Mass, followed by supper, where we could talk, then an introductory meeting with all the retreatants, and then a more in depth introduction for the group of four of us who would all have the same spiritual director. From then on the only conversation I had was about 45 minutes each day with her, until breakfast on the Friday.
In that first introduction we were given some suggestions for how to start the retreat, for how to structure our days, and some suggested bits of scripture to aid our prayer. The remaining days followed a fairly simple pattern. I would wake, pray a little, have breakfast, do some exercise, pray some more, see my spiritual director, have lunch, spend the afternoon in a mixture of leisure (some reading, some walking, some piano practice, and some doing a jigsaw puzzle) and more prayer, then daily Mass at 17:45, dinner at 18:30, exposition of the blessed sacrament at 19:45, then more prayer and early to bed.
My private prayer was mostly at least starting with the traditional ignation techniques of imaginative contemplation of scripture, the examen, and lectio divina, as well as a fair amount of meditation-like sitting in stillness with God. It was challenging at times. My brain has a tendency to get distracted and end up thinking about quite mundane things and having to be pulled back to prayer, but even in the few short days I was there I noticed this habit diminishing. It was also challenging in that it made me confront some fears and face some aspects of myself that are difficult to look at. But there were breakthroughs, and comfort, and a growing awareness of God's awe inspiring love and care. The centre had lots of spaces for prayer, but I went to the same one every time. The Capel y Coed (Woodland Chapel) has a toughened glass tabernacle which is simultaneously a monstrance, leaving the blessed sacrament exposed at all times, and so that was where I always went.
I had thought in advance that I was probably not someone who would find the silence especially difficult, and I was correct in that, but I was surprised how good it felt, and how little lonely. Having space and time to just be with myself in contemplation and prayer filled a deep need, in a life that is often so busy and full - full with a surfeit of joys and blessings, but still, very full. I slept a lot. I was going to bed between 21:30 and 22:00, and generally sleeping through until my alarm at 7:00, which is clearly a sign of how much I was in need of rest.
I'm not going to talk too much about the detail of the prayer and the spiritual growth that happened, because it feels a bit too private, but I've come away full of intentions of changes to make to build on and continue that growth. One thing I realised it that I need to be a bit more intentional about how I spend my time, because I am always taking on too much, and if there are things I want to do more of, then I also need to make decisions about what to do less of, rather than just letting it be whatever ball drops first when my juggling gets too ambitious. It became clearer that all the most precious things in my life are grounded in my relationships with other people, and so, in what feels like a very odd thing to say, I've decided that in he future I'm going to read fewer books. I do enjoy reading, but at least some of the time I'm reading things because I feel as though I ought to (or ought to have read them), and I'm not going to do that anymore. I'll still read things I'm genuinely excited about, and things that have been specifically recommended to me, because that is a way of building the relationship with the person who made the recommendation. But everything that was on my to-read list because I felt it should be, is now gone.
One of the things I'm going to do with the time that I've hopefully freed up is try to make more time for prayer in my daily life. I'm going to try and make saying the examen a daily (or at least most days) habit, and to make time for a longer and more in depth period of private prayer at least twice a week. I came away with a fairly clear sense that what I should be doing in the church is essentially continuing as I am for the time being. Divesting some of my administrative responsibilities, but still being available where that work is needed, and taking on a bit more with the musical life of the church. I've also resolved to make more effort to engage with the community life of the church - to make sure that I mingle with the congregation at coffee after Mass, and wait until a bit later to disappear into the sacristy to count the collection or fill in forms, or tidy things away. And in particular, to talk to people I know less well, or new people, rather than having the majority of my conversations with people I see outside church as well.
That feels like quite a lot to have come out of just three days of retreat, but in some ways it also feels like just the start, and that as time progresses it will become clear what other work I need to do in my day to day life. But also, it feels like this was just the start of my life as a retreatant, and that I will be going back to St Beuno's again and again. Next year I hope to go on a longer retreat of eight days, and a year or two after than I'm going to aim to do the full Spiritual Exercises - a programme set out by St Ignatius which lasts thirty days. It's a slightly daunting prospect, but also a very exciting one.
