Sebastian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wildeabandon) wrote2019-11-22 04:29 pm
wildeabandon) wrote2019-11-22 04:29 pm
Social scaling back
So a few months ago I decided that I was going to stop going to parties, because I generally find them stressful and unrewarding, with lots of challenging and shallow interaction with very little of the in depth communication that I actually find meaningful. And I feel some level of guilt about this decision, but can't really articulate why - it seems selfish somehow? I don't intend to reverse the decision, and in fact probably want to apply it to other similarly stressful situations, but would quite like to stop feeling guilty about it.
There's a thing going on in my brain which I think I've identified, where on one level I've been saying for years now that I don't want to make any new friends; that I don't have enough time to spend with the wonderful friends I already have, and so why on earth would I want to exacerbate that problem by spreading myself more thinly. And yet I find myself making plans which seem to be at least subconsciously aimed at making new friends, either meeting new people or spending social time with groups of acquaintances. And sometimes I catch myself doing that and stop, but sometimes I only notice that I've been doing it at the end of a not-terribly-fun evening. I think probably what's going on here is a bit of scarcity mindset, where although the sense of myself as unlovable and unlikeable has faded, there's still a nugget of terror about going back to the isolation of my younger years, which keeps compelling me to keep trying to make new friends, just in case I run out.
I'm not quite sure exactly how to step outside of this pattern. I think that having left Facebook helps, because I'm not getting so many invitations to the sort of events that I don't enjoy, but other than that I think I just need to try and develop a habit of checking with myself before I make plans whether it's something that I actually want to do, something that I feel obligated to do, or something that that brainweasel of fear is trying to trick me into doing.
There definitely are group activities that I still enjoy. One thing that makes that more likely is, unsurprisingly, who the group is - if a group is mostly made up of my immediate family, or the slightly overlapping sets of Thronescamp/Francegour/Easter people then I can actually usually relax even if we're just hanging out with no particular purpose. The other thing that makes it easier is having some kind of organised fun, where there's a shared and structured activity to engage with. Readthroughs and choir rehearsals (that I'm singing in, not leading) are my main examples of this sort of thing, but depending on the details, board games or shared physical activity like hiking or climbing can work.
There are also some things which I want to do even though I expect to find them hard, such as getting to know some of Ramesh and Mark's friends-who-aren't-mutual-friends better/at all, and meeting new people who have the potential to become s/m play partners. And there's a whole bunch of things I need to think through about the way I interact with other people at church which is complicated, and needs quite a lot more thought. But I'm hoping that if I can manage to cut back successfully on how much energy I'm putting into interactions that are difficult-and-unrewarding, I'll have some spare that I can choose to allocate to the difficult-but-rewarding stuff.
There's a thing going on in my brain which I think I've identified, where on one level I've been saying for years now that I don't want to make any new friends; that I don't have enough time to spend with the wonderful friends I already have, and so why on earth would I want to exacerbate that problem by spreading myself more thinly. And yet I find myself making plans which seem to be at least subconsciously aimed at making new friends, either meeting new people or spending social time with groups of acquaintances. And sometimes I catch myself doing that and stop, but sometimes I only notice that I've been doing it at the end of a not-terribly-fun evening. I think probably what's going on here is a bit of scarcity mindset, where although the sense of myself as unlovable and unlikeable has faded, there's still a nugget of terror about going back to the isolation of my younger years, which keeps compelling me to keep trying to make new friends, just in case I run out.
I'm not quite sure exactly how to step outside of this pattern. I think that having left Facebook helps, because I'm not getting so many invitations to the sort of events that I don't enjoy, but other than that I think I just need to try and develop a habit of checking with myself before I make plans whether it's something that I actually want to do, something that I feel obligated to do, or something that that brainweasel of fear is trying to trick me into doing.
There definitely are group activities that I still enjoy. One thing that makes that more likely is, unsurprisingly, who the group is - if a group is mostly made up of my immediate family, or the slightly overlapping sets of Thronescamp/Francegour/Easter people then I can actually usually relax even if we're just hanging out with no particular purpose. The other thing that makes it easier is having some kind of organised fun, where there's a shared and structured activity to engage with. Readthroughs and choir rehearsals (that I'm singing in, not leading) are my main examples of this sort of thing, but depending on the details, board games or shared physical activity like hiking or climbing can work.
There are also some things which I want to do even though I expect to find them hard, such as getting to know some of Ramesh and Mark's friends-who-aren't-mutual-friends better/at all, and meeting new people who have the potential to become s/m play partners. And there's a whole bunch of things I need to think through about the way I interact with other people at church which is complicated, and needs quite a lot more thought. But I'm hoping that if I can manage to cut back successfully on how much energy I'm putting into interactions that are difficult-and-unrewarding, I'll have some spare that I can choose to allocate to the difficult-but-rewarding stuff.
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One of the core functions of a party is being seen at parties, so that a sense of acquaintance is maintained, keeping you a 'known face' among a loose circle in which you might, every now and again, decide to pick out one or two people to seek out for a closer conversation and a friendship.
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I hear you about the meeting-more-new-people thing. Also, new people are interesting. But time...
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What you describe sounds sensible. I'm not sure if this is generalizable but I think I always used to force myself to do new things and meet new people because (a) if I didn't I'd never do anything and (b) I was always looking for something, either in a good way like more close friends, or a bad way, like some mythical status of "ok, found a perfect group of friends/romantic partners, I can stop worrying now". But now I think that realistically, there's always going to be some churn, and I benefit from spending a lot of time with people I'm close to, some time meeting up with other friends, and some time meeting new people even if I don't "need" to, and there's a balance that mostly works.
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Took me quite a while to switch from "I have no friends! Find more and attach to them all!" to "I have waaaay too many friends to see regularly, stop going to everything!"
And now I barely go out at all, and mostly spend time with Jane and Sophia. Although I expect to occasionally make it out again at some point.
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