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Note: Please do not comment on this post with observations about the quality of my singing. However well intentioned, at this stage they would be more likely to do harm than good.
My relationship with singing, particularly singing with and in front of people is complicated. I am both very scared of it and have a deep yearning for it. In the last decade or so I have made considerable progress on improving the health of this relationship, but it seems to have hit a sore spot at the moment.
On an intellectual level, and on every level when it comes to anybody else, I believe that it doesn't matter how good you are, singing can and should be something that you do for yourself, for the sheer joy of it. But also it matters far more than it should to me what other people think of my voice/singing ability/musical ability in general. Which is a problem, because it's not very good. (It has improved, but from a pretty low base, and I have to work a lot harder at it than people with more natural talent than me.) My awareness of my limited ability means that sometimes at least, singing in front of people, or even just thinking about doing so, can range from uncomfortable to outright distressing.
I expect that fixing this is likely to be quite a lengthy and emotionally taxing process, and now is not the time to do it, not least because I think the emotional work will be much easier if I'm regularly singing in a group where I'm not pushing myself outside my comfort zone, and clearly I can't do that at the moment.
So I have to put this work to one side for a while. I would like to do that in a way that a)prevents any toxic ideas about not being good enough to be allowed to sing in front of people from digging in deeper, and b)avoids, or at least minimises, poking at the sore bits. I think that what that means is that I shouldn't try to sing until I'm ready to give this work the focus and attention that it needs. It's possible that I may decide that I need to avoid or limit my exposure to discussions of other people singing, but that doesn't feel necessary at the moment. I'm hoping that playing the piano won't poke the same sore spots, and will be trying to do a bit more of that.
But I need to be very clear with myself that I am choosing to do this as a reflection of my priorities for my finite resources of time and emotional energy. That it is my choice, and that when I choose to start singing again, that will be a thing to celebrate, not a thing for which I need make any apology.
Just to re-iterate, please don't respond to this by commenting on the quality of my singing. Things that would be helpful, either here or as behaviours in the futures are:
- expressions of sympathy/empathy/solidarity
- discussions of similar experiences, whether about singing or other activities
- affirmation that it is okay, and not cowardly, having noticed and acknowledged that these unhealthy patterns are there, to decide not to confront them right now
- not inviting me* to participate in activities which involve singing**
*telling me about such activities and expressing that you would have liked to invite me if I were in a better place is fine, and in fact likely to be positive
**if you are at all inclined to worry about having done so recently and caused this, please don't; whilst it contributed to the process of realising how sore this area is for me at the moment, it didn't cause it, and I'd much rather have noticed and dressed the wound than left it festering unexamined
My relationship with singing, particularly singing with and in front of people is complicated. I am both very scared of it and have a deep yearning for it. In the last decade or so I have made considerable progress on improving the health of this relationship, but it seems to have hit a sore spot at the moment.
On an intellectual level, and on every level when it comes to anybody else, I believe that it doesn't matter how good you are, singing can and should be something that you do for yourself, for the sheer joy of it. But also it matters far more than it should to me what other people think of my voice/singing ability/musical ability in general. Which is a problem, because it's not very good. (It has improved, but from a pretty low base, and I have to work a lot harder at it than people with more natural talent than me.) My awareness of my limited ability means that sometimes at least, singing in front of people, or even just thinking about doing so, can range from uncomfortable to outright distressing.
I expect that fixing this is likely to be quite a lengthy and emotionally taxing process, and now is not the time to do it, not least because I think the emotional work will be much easier if I'm regularly singing in a group where I'm not pushing myself outside my comfort zone, and clearly I can't do that at the moment.
So I have to put this work to one side for a while. I would like to do that in a way that a)prevents any toxic ideas about not being good enough to be allowed to sing in front of people from digging in deeper, and b)avoids, or at least minimises, poking at the sore bits. I think that what that means is that I shouldn't try to sing until I'm ready to give this work the focus and attention that it needs. It's possible that I may decide that I need to avoid or limit my exposure to discussions of other people singing, but that doesn't feel necessary at the moment. I'm hoping that playing the piano won't poke the same sore spots, and will be trying to do a bit more of that.
But I need to be very clear with myself that I am choosing to do this as a reflection of my priorities for my finite resources of time and emotional energy. That it is my choice, and that when I choose to start singing again, that will be a thing to celebrate, not a thing for which I need make any apology.
Just to re-iterate, please don't respond to this by commenting on the quality of my singing. Things that would be helpful, either here or as behaviours in the futures are:
- expressions of sympathy/empathy/solidarity
- discussions of similar experiences, whether about singing or other activities
- affirmation that it is okay, and not cowardly, having noticed and acknowledged that these unhealthy patterns are there, to decide not to confront them right now
- not inviting me* to participate in activities which involve singing**
*telling me about such activities and expressing that you would have liked to invite me if I were in a better place is fine, and in fact likely to be positive
**if you are at all inclined to worry about having done so recently and caused this, please don't; whilst it contributed to the process of realising how sore this area is for me at the moment, it didn't cause it, and I'd much rather have noticed and dressed the wound than left it festering unexamined
