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There was one theme that came up for me in a variety of ways over the course of my recent holiday, of doing something that’s a bit outside my comfort zone, where I’d been putting in quite a lot of effort to practice and felt that I’d made big improvements, only to panic and fail when faced with doing it for real. This happened in three different spheres - speaking French, singing, and playing the piano. Naturally, the moment of failure was fairly unpleasant in each case, but I’m quite pleased with, perhaps even proud of, how I responded afterwards.
French
I’ve mentioned a couple of times on here that I’ve been working quite hard at improving my French, and had been really pleased with how well my reading vocabulary has come on, but when it came to actually speaking and listening “in the wild” as it were, I just seized up and forgot words and phrases that I’ve known for decades, and then spent the next half hour feeling anxious and annoyed with myself. After the first couple of disastrous attempts I gave up for a little while, and just let other people with more confidence do the talking for me, but in the last couple of days of the holiday I screwed up my courage and had another go, and actually managed to navigate a couple of conversations where none of the more fluent speakers were there, and my interlocutor had no English at all. They were halting and fairly superficial, but communication happened.
Frustrating though it was, it was a learning experience in terms of my own capacity, and I’ve come home with a renewed determination to keep improving, and some ideas on how to do it. I’m definitely going to be focusing more on listening practice, using News in Slow French at first, and then trying to graduate onto television and film. I’m setting myself a target of going to my first french conversation meetup/class by no later than the first week in July. If anyone I know would be willing to try a bit of conversation practice with me between now and then in a context that isn’t terrifyingly full of strangers then I would be extraordinarily grateful, but if not then I shall screw my courage to the sticking point and jump in.
Singing and piano playing
For years, I have found making music in front of other people absolutely terrifying. In my teens, the thought of singing in public would make my heart race, and actually attempting to do so would invariably bring on a panic attack. Since then, through a mixture of singing along quietly in groups at readthroughs and holidays, singing in church, and then later pushing myself to have singing lessons, join in with the occasional choir, play singstar, and even have small solo parts in a singthrough or two I’ve been able to push back on this and it’s gone from being heart-stoppingly terrifying to merely quite nerve-wracking.
For the singthroughs this year I took on rather more than I have in the past (albeit a tiny amount compared to some others’ contributions). I had one solo number as Herod in Jesus Christ Superstar, and a couple of pages as the Bishop in the prologue of Les Mis. As well as the singing, I volunteered to do easy piano versions of the accompaniment for a couple of songs in the latter. And I worked hard at it. I reckon I put in a good fifteen hours or so on the piano, and another half dozen on my own plus a lesson for the singing, so by the time it came to perform I was feeling tolerably confident. Herod’s song was first, and it started well, but then I got in a muddle trying to hold both my music and the cane I was using as a prop and lost my place. Which is ridiculous - I’ve heard the song thousands of times, sung it dozens, know it back-to-front and upside down, and yet my mind went completely blank and the words disappeared. I had to stop the pianist, find my place, and start again from the last chorus. And yet, I did start again and finish the song rather than bursting into tears and running off, which is probably what would have happened a couple of years ago. I was shaking like a leaf for a good few minutes afterwards, but I bloody well finished it. And apart from the losing my place thing, I think my performance was pretty okay. Not amazing, but pretty okay.
The Bishop’s part required much less physical performance so all I had to worry about was singing. The first bit, where he welcomes Valjean into his home, I feel like I sang better than I ever have in front of people. Not just okay, but good, rich and resonant. The second part, where he gives away his silver, the nervousness crept back in and I lost the tune slightly, and then the confidence and the quality went too, and I was back to barely adequate. But that first eighteen bars, I absolutely nailed them, and now I know that I can do it, that it’s just nerves and lack of confidence that stops me doing it every time.
The same pattern played out again with the piano accompaniment. In the first song I made a few mistakes early on and then went into panic mode and had to stop because I was shaking so much I couldn’t play a note. But I knew that if I didn’t at least try the second then it would make it so much harder to ever dare to play in public again, so I got back on the horse and I did alright - the odd duff note here and there, but close enough that the song could be sung.
Epilogue
As I said at the start, failing is never much fun, but not all that long ago, failing would have been followed by me giving up, or at the very least putting things on hold for a very long time. Now it seems that it takes only a few minutes for me to reach the point where my response is “What have I learned? How can I do better next time?” This is a great place to be, because it blows the world of opportunities available to me wide open; knowing that I can fail and be okay means that I can try anything. I don’t think that I’m wrong to feel a certain degree of pride in having reached this state, because it is difficult, making oneself vulnerable like that, but I was reflecting on it in my examen last night and realised that above and beyond the pride, what I felt was gratitude.
I am so fortunate to be able to try publicly and fail publicly and know beyond a shadow of doubt that my friends will not laugh, or think less of me; that I will be supported and hugged if I need it; that my successes, however tiny, will be celebrated and applauded. I am incredibly privileged to have been shown again and again in so many different aspects of my life that no matter how badly I fail, I will be given the opportunity to improve, to make right, and to try again - and experiencing this in serious matters gives me the confidence to take risks of lesser import. So yes, I can take pride in doing something difficult, but more than that, I am grateful to everyone in my life, past or present, who has given me the support and strength and security which in the end, has made it something easy.
French
I’ve mentioned a couple of times on here that I’ve been working quite hard at improving my French, and had been really pleased with how well my reading vocabulary has come on, but when it came to actually speaking and listening “in the wild” as it were, I just seized up and forgot words and phrases that I’ve known for decades, and then spent the next half hour feeling anxious and annoyed with myself. After the first couple of disastrous attempts I gave up for a little while, and just let other people with more confidence do the talking for me, but in the last couple of days of the holiday I screwed up my courage and had another go, and actually managed to navigate a couple of conversations where none of the more fluent speakers were there, and my interlocutor had no English at all. They were halting and fairly superficial, but communication happened.
Frustrating though it was, it was a learning experience in terms of my own capacity, and I’ve come home with a renewed determination to keep improving, and some ideas on how to do it. I’m definitely going to be focusing more on listening practice, using News in Slow French at first, and then trying to graduate onto television and film. I’m setting myself a target of going to my first french conversation meetup/class by no later than the first week in July. If anyone I know would be willing to try a bit of conversation practice with me between now and then in a context that isn’t terrifyingly full of strangers then I would be extraordinarily grateful, but if not then I shall screw my courage to the sticking point and jump in.
Singing and piano playing
For years, I have found making music in front of other people absolutely terrifying. In my teens, the thought of singing in public would make my heart race, and actually attempting to do so would invariably bring on a panic attack. Since then, through a mixture of singing along quietly in groups at readthroughs and holidays, singing in church, and then later pushing myself to have singing lessons, join in with the occasional choir, play singstar, and even have small solo parts in a singthrough or two I’ve been able to push back on this and it’s gone from being heart-stoppingly terrifying to merely quite nerve-wracking.
For the singthroughs this year I took on rather more than I have in the past (albeit a tiny amount compared to some others’ contributions). I had one solo number as Herod in Jesus Christ Superstar, and a couple of pages as the Bishop in the prologue of Les Mis. As well as the singing, I volunteered to do easy piano versions of the accompaniment for a couple of songs in the latter. And I worked hard at it. I reckon I put in a good fifteen hours or so on the piano, and another half dozen on my own plus a lesson for the singing, so by the time it came to perform I was feeling tolerably confident. Herod’s song was first, and it started well, but then I got in a muddle trying to hold both my music and the cane I was using as a prop and lost my place. Which is ridiculous - I’ve heard the song thousands of times, sung it dozens, know it back-to-front and upside down, and yet my mind went completely blank and the words disappeared. I had to stop the pianist, find my place, and start again from the last chorus. And yet, I did start again and finish the song rather than bursting into tears and running off, which is probably what would have happened a couple of years ago. I was shaking like a leaf for a good few minutes afterwards, but I bloody well finished it. And apart from the losing my place thing, I think my performance was pretty okay. Not amazing, but pretty okay.
The Bishop’s part required much less physical performance so all I had to worry about was singing. The first bit, where he welcomes Valjean into his home, I feel like I sang better than I ever have in front of people. Not just okay, but good, rich and resonant. The second part, where he gives away his silver, the nervousness crept back in and I lost the tune slightly, and then the confidence and the quality went too, and I was back to barely adequate. But that first eighteen bars, I absolutely nailed them, and now I know that I can do it, that it’s just nerves and lack of confidence that stops me doing it every time.
The same pattern played out again with the piano accompaniment. In the first song I made a few mistakes early on and then went into panic mode and had to stop because I was shaking so much I couldn’t play a note. But I knew that if I didn’t at least try the second then it would make it so much harder to ever dare to play in public again, so I got back on the horse and I did alright - the odd duff note here and there, but close enough that the song could be sung.
Epilogue
As I said at the start, failing is never much fun, but not all that long ago, failing would have been followed by me giving up, or at the very least putting things on hold for a very long time. Now it seems that it takes only a few minutes for me to reach the point where my response is “What have I learned? How can I do better next time?” This is a great place to be, because it blows the world of opportunities available to me wide open; knowing that I can fail and be okay means that I can try anything. I don’t think that I’m wrong to feel a certain degree of pride in having reached this state, because it is difficult, making oneself vulnerable like that, but I was reflecting on it in my examen last night and realised that above and beyond the pride, what I felt was gratitude.
I am so fortunate to be able to try publicly and fail publicly and know beyond a shadow of doubt that my friends will not laugh, or think less of me; that I will be supported and hugged if I need it; that my successes, however tiny, will be celebrated and applauded. I am incredibly privileged to have been shown again and again in so many different aspects of my life that no matter how badly I fail, I will be given the opportunity to improve, to make right, and to try again - and experiencing this in serious matters gives me the confidence to take risks of lesser import. So yes, I can take pride in doing something difficult, but more than that, I am grateful to everyone in my life, past or present, who has given me the support and strength and security which in the end, has made it something easy.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-12 04:12 pm (UTC)From:My French is pretty rubbish but I would be happy to have stumbling conversation practice if you'd be OK with the stumblingness.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-12 05:04 pm (UTC)From:Stumbling conversation practice is great! I think I can guarantee a great multitude of stumbles from my side of the table, and equity is good. Shall we have tea again sometime soon perhaps - I should return your skirt as well.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-14 08:47 am (UTC)From:I only do in public things that I know for sure I can do - I'm not brave.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-12 06:03 pm (UTC)From:Being the piece's only comedy number, Herod's a tough solo compared to some. I've heard several poor versions, including from famous names.
As well as not being near, I failed French so badly it didn't appear as a fail on the results certificate...
no subject
Date: 2016-04-12 06:09 pm (UTC)From:I am still haunted by the time I messed up a solo at Coventry Cathedral, and it has taken a while for me to get my solo-confidence back. As you keep doing it, you can relax more, and that makes it easier to get things right :)
no subject
Date: 2016-04-12 10:27 pm (UTC)From:I'm sorry you had a difficult experience in Coventry. I'm always so consistently impressed by your musicianship that it's hard to imagine you ever struggling, but in a way it's reassuring to know. I'm glad you have got the confidence back now.
I'm definitely going to be actively looking for more opportunities to sing with people, and once I've got the French to the point where it's not taking the bulk of my "learning new things" capacity I intend to shift that focus to the piano again.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-12 10:33 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2016-04-12 10:44 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2016-04-16 09:58 pm (UTC)From: