On the evening of Maundy Thursday I got to church nice and early to help set up, and was delighted to find things pretty much ready and remarkably calm, thanks to the sterling efforts of Beryl and Mthr Alice. Soon the other servers and singers started to arrive, and we rehearsed both the music and the ceremonial. Numbers were a bit disappointing for what, to me, is one of the most powerful services of the church year, but I think the few who did make it found it enriching. As is my usual custom I slipped out of the watch fairly early and had a quick dinner to fortify myself before returning to join Beryl keeping vigil through the night.
Unlike previous years, I'd spent a bit more time preparing, and had brought a bible and a notebook and had plans for more structured prayer than in the past. This definitely helped make it a more fruitful experience, although there was still a certain amount of time spent just desperately trying not to fall asleep like the apostles. One thing that I did find myself noticing and feeling a bit conflicted about is that because at the moment my life is so good and fulfilling and bursting with joy and purpose and happiness, it was more difficult to fully enter into the desolation of the passion. This is something I want to reflect on more deeply - it feels like a bit of a failure of empathy; that if nothing bad is happening to me then it shuts me out of the bad things happening to other people, and whilst that obviously has some benefits, it strikes me as potentially quite dangerous.
Come the morning, Mthr Alice arrived back for morning prayer, and then I slipped out for a quick breakfast. Once I returned she and Beryl left, and I was alone in the church for the next few hours. Somehow in the daylight it becomes harder to just quietly keep watch, and although I was never very far from the Altar of Repose I spent some time making preparations for the afternoon liturgy, practicing music, polishing the thurible, and that sort of thing. About an hour before the service Mthr Alice and the other servers and singers began to arrive, and we rehearsed various bits and got everything ready. The service itself was beautiful, and much better attended than the previous evening. The starkness of the stripped church, the plainsong solemn intercessions (where I had been asked to sing the Deacon's part, which, complicated feels), the veneration of the cross... It would be a lot, even if I was in a normal state of mind, but doing it after being awake all night intensifies everything, and the cold and the dark of the tomb feels that little bit closer.
After the service I headed home and heated up the food I'd very wisely cooked the day before, and then pretty much went straight to bed. After about 12 hours sleep I woke up feeling much refreshed and started cooking in preparation for the Easter Feast. A quick break for Parkrun, where I got a course, but not an overall PB, and then home for more cooking, packing, music practice, and a quick trip to Paul Young's to spend an obscene amount on chocolate to break my Lenten fast with, before heading back to church to get ready for the Vigil. There was a certain amount of confusion about who was singing what psalm, and what tones they were singing it to, but we generally managed to get things sorted, and the service progressed with only minimal chaos, and a great deal of joy. There's nothing quite like that first Alleluia! after not saying it for weeks. The new Paschal Candle was very beautiful, and bells were rung and lights came on and Christ rose from the dead and all was well with the world. After Mass there was fizz and nibbles, which![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
obandsoller and I partook of very briefly before leaving to catch a train to Cambridge.
We arrived at Girton shortly before midnight, where several of my favourite people had gathered. I said hello fairly briefly before retiring, and then got up what felt like a few minutes later to joinatreic and emperor and go to my second Easter Vigil, at Great St Mary's, who correctly hold it at dawn. (This is much easier to do when you have a sufficiently large congregation.) I got a lot out of doing two vigils - the ways in which they were the same helped things settle in my memory better, and the differences highlighted the reasons for some of the choices we make. It was nice to celebrate with a larger group of people, but also brought home to me how much I love the intimacy of St John's.
Unlike previous years, I'd spent a bit more time preparing, and had brought a bible and a notebook and had plans for more structured prayer than in the past. This definitely helped make it a more fruitful experience, although there was still a certain amount of time spent just desperately trying not to fall asleep like the apostles. One thing that I did find myself noticing and feeling a bit conflicted about is that because at the moment my life is so good and fulfilling and bursting with joy and purpose and happiness, it was more difficult to fully enter into the desolation of the passion. This is something I want to reflect on more deeply - it feels like a bit of a failure of empathy; that if nothing bad is happening to me then it shuts me out of the bad things happening to other people, and whilst that obviously has some benefits, it strikes me as potentially quite dangerous.
Come the morning, Mthr Alice arrived back for morning prayer, and then I slipped out for a quick breakfast. Once I returned she and Beryl left, and I was alone in the church for the next few hours. Somehow in the daylight it becomes harder to just quietly keep watch, and although I was never very far from the Altar of Repose I spent some time making preparations for the afternoon liturgy, practicing music, polishing the thurible, and that sort of thing. About an hour before the service Mthr Alice and the other servers and singers began to arrive, and we rehearsed various bits and got everything ready. The service itself was beautiful, and much better attended than the previous evening. The starkness of the stripped church, the plainsong solemn intercessions (where I had been asked to sing the Deacon's part, which, complicated feels), the veneration of the cross... It would be a lot, even if I was in a normal state of mind, but doing it after being awake all night intensifies everything, and the cold and the dark of the tomb feels that little bit closer.
After the service I headed home and heated up the food I'd very wisely cooked the day before, and then pretty much went straight to bed. After about 12 hours sleep I woke up feeling much refreshed and started cooking in preparation for the Easter Feast. A quick break for Parkrun, where I got a course, but not an overall PB, and then home for more cooking, packing, music practice, and a quick trip to Paul Young's to spend an obscene amount on chocolate to break my Lenten fast with, before heading back to church to get ready for the Vigil. There was a certain amount of confusion about who was singing what psalm, and what tones they were singing it to, but we generally managed to get things sorted, and the service progressed with only minimal chaos, and a great deal of joy. There's nothing quite like that first Alleluia! after not saying it for weeks. The new Paschal Candle was very beautiful, and bells were rung and lights came on and Christ rose from the dead and all was well with the world. After Mass there was fizz and nibbles, which
obandsoller and I partook of very briefly before leaving to catch a train to Cambridge. We arrived at Girton shortly before midnight, where several of my favourite people had gathered. I said hello fairly briefly before retiring, and then got up what felt like a few minutes later to join
atreic and emperor and go to my second Easter Vigil, at Great St Mary's, who correctly hold it at dawn. (This is much easier to do when you have a sufficiently large congregation.) I got a lot out of doing two vigils - the ways in which they were the same helped things settle in my memory better, and the differences highlighted the reasons for some of the choices we make. It was nice to celebrate with a larger group of people, but also brought home to me how much I love the intimacy of St John's.
