Sebastian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wildeabandon) wrote2020-12-30 04:02 pm
wildeabandon) wrote2020-12-30 04:02 pm
Review of 2020
2019; 2018; 2017; 2016; 2015; 2014; 2000-2009
It feels a bit odd reviewing 2020 with the same format as I used for the previous six, but I think it's something I will appreciate having in the future.
Was 2020 a good year for you?
For the last few years I've commented that it's been a much better year for me personally than for the world in general, and that continues to be the case, although perhaps would be better phrased as it's been a much worse year for the world in general than it has for me.
This year I figured out my vocation as a spiritual director and began the formation process of making that vocation a reality, which has been one of the single biggest positive changes in my life to date. And the change in the pace and structure of my life brought about by lockdown was definitely a contributing factor to that discernment process, and has enabled me to reap more of the benefits of it than I otherwise might have been able to. A combination of luck, circumstances, privilege and temperament has meant that I have been insulated from a lot of the negative impacts of the pandemic and other events in the outside world, and I am extraordinarily grateful for that.
But it has still been This Fucking Year. I have still missed people and community and important events. I have still despaired at the way some people and governments have responded. I have struggled at times to find a balance between feeling that I should be using my relative privilege as much as possible to support people in a worse position and wrestling with guilt for taking time to rest and recharge. I have had some quite painful personal stuff to process which, although not directly caused by the pandemic, was certainly made more complicated by it.
So yeah, of course it wasn't a good year, but it had some good bits, and that's enough.
What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before?
Started the formation process of becoming a spiritual director. Had psychotherapy voluntarily. Organised a /lot/ of online readthroughs. Organised a bible study group.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I've been doing quarterly goal setting rather than annual resolutions, although for the last three quarters I've been deliberately scaling them back and trying to do less. One goal that I've been working on for the last three quarters with limited success is about managing my sleep pattern, and I'd really like to nail that one this year.
Did someone close to you give birth?
No. But my youngest sister is expecting in April, which is quite exciting.
Did anyone close to you die?
Not to me, but two of my closest friends lost parents this year, and my heart aches for them.
What countries did you visit?
Funnily enough, none...
What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?
Obviously I am looking forward to getting back many of the things that this virus has taken from us. Hugging my friends, church services with music, eating together, theatre, group holidays and in person readthroughs.
But these are small things, and my real important hopes for 2021 aren't for me. What I want is for the world to react to this reminder of how fragile our lives and societies can be by opening up and reaching out and doing what we can to protect one another and the most vulnerable most of all. I want the celebration of keyworkers to be realised as a genuine and lasting appreciation of how important service jobs are. I want policies like furlough and stimulus checks to shift perceptions to be more supportive of fiscal redistribution. I want the new awareness of the viability of working-from-home to lead to a wider appreciation of the benefits of increasing accessibility.
What events from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
There's surprisingly little that stands out - this year feels more like a lot of interconnected threads, and the events themselves blur into one another.
What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Not letting my feelings about our breakup stop me being the friendleonato needed.
What was your biggest failure(s)?
I don't think there's been anything big. I haven't been as good at keeping in touch with people as I would have liked, and I wish I'd made more progress on Project Sort Out My Sleep Cycle, but nothing big.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. I had stage 2 of my phalloplasty in August, but recovered reasonably well.
I did quite a lot of work on processing the impacts of my autism and adhd diagnosis, and feel like I've got that a lot more integrated now.
What was the best thing you bought?
Does paying the fees for my spiritual direction course count?
Where did most of your money go?
Charity, mortgage, mending the roof.
Unsurprisingly I spent a lot less on things like restaurants and travel this year, and whilst I definitely want to get some of that back, I may need to give some thought to how much is really necessary.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Excited only really covers a part of the feeling, which is more delighted and uplifted; but my vocation and my faith and spiritual life more generally.
Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. Happier or sadder? Happier. I was, by my standards, struggling quite a bit at this point last year, and the stuff that I was struggling with is pretty much all resolved now, so even with all that has been 2020, I'm happier now.
ii. Richer or poorer? Richer
iii. Healthier or iller? Maybe a little less healthy, but still pretty robust. I've been deliberately letting exercise take a back seat the last few months whilst I focus on other priorities, and will make an effort to pick that up again a bit in the new year.
What do you wish you'd done more of?
If we exclude the things that I wish I'd been allowed to do, then prayer and private journalling (although I still did more of both than I usually manage)
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Angsting about things I have no control over.
How did you spend Christmas?
At home withobandsoller and robert_jones - already written about here
How was your religious year?
Revelatory and transformative. I went to St Beuno's again near the start of the year and that was once again an important catalyst - this time planting the seed of the idea that maybe I had some of the qualities that make a good spiritual director, as well drawing out some threads about rest and busyness and making time and space. Being in lockdown and almost having less busyness enforced was actually really helpful to me in exploring what it means for me to rest and have enough space, and although I'm still constantly fighting a rearguard action against overfilling my time, I'm doing better and better at making time for God, and for the human relationships that matter to me.
That extra space allowed the seed of my vocation to grow, and in the summer a conversation with Mthr Alice brought it fully to life, and I applied for and started Encounter, a three year formation programme with the London Centre for Spiritual Direction. Term one has been wonderful. Nourishing and challenging and joyful and hard work and affirming. I am feeling a lot more humble than when I started about how much I have to learn to be good at this, but more sure than ever that it is what I am being called to do.
Did you fall in love in 2020?
No. In the last couple of months I have mostly fallen out of love with Mark, although that feels like an overly simplistic phrase for a change whereby I love as much and deeply as ever, just with a different quality and flavour.
How many one-night stands?
None, funnily enough.
How has your romantic life been generally
Generally very good. I have very much enjoyed spending so much more time at home withobandsoller, and he seems to have enjoyed having me around more. Our relationship continues to grow and deepen and develop, and I am ridiculously lucky.
What is the best thing you created in 2020?
I think the online readthroughs were a Good Thing for quite a few people, so I'm quite pleased with that. I also cooked a lot more new recipes than I usually manage.
What was your favourite TV program?
I'm not sure - I haven't watched very much TV this year.
What were the best books you read?
I have thoroughly enjoyed making my way through KJ Charles' entire back catalogue, so thank you to all who recommended them. Also, not sure if it counts as a book I read, but Meera Sodha's East has been responsible for an awful lot of the delicious food I've been cooking in the second half of this year.
What were your favourite musical discoveries this year?
Nothing leaps to mind.
What did you want and get?
President-Elect Joe Biden, a vocation.
What did you want and not get?
*gestures despairingly at the world*
What was/were your favourite film/s and plays this year?
I watched a lot of the streamed theatre in early lockdown and enjoyed a lot of it. This House and Small Island at the NT were amongst the standouts.
What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I was 39. I can't actually remember what I did, but mostly ignore it.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?
Not much change from last year, when I said: It's all gone a bit Steve Jobs. I've basically been living in black skinny jeans and turtleneck tops, although the tops do occasionally venture into purple/green/burgundy. Mostly black though, let's be honest.
Who and what kept you sane?
I think I managed to maintain and even improve my mental health this year with the help of a good therapist, ongoing self-analysis, and prayer.
What political issue(s) stirred you the most?
My answer from previous years still applies. "I get horrified when I think about politics too much, and perhaps it's wrong of me to react to this by not thinking about it, but I don't know that forcing myself to look would actually help very much, so I don't."
Who did you miss?
Everyone, obviously.
Who was the best new person you met?
I "met" lots of wonderful people at Encounter, but Bev and Clare in my tutor group stand out particularly.
Have you changed your hairstyle?
Yes! Having finally got it to the length I wanted it at, I got to keep it there for a few months before deciding that my hairline is receeding too much, so had most of it cut off, and am actually really pleased with it. I might tweak it slightly over the coming months, but 'messy androgynous pixie cut' seems to be quite a good look for me.
What are you looking forward to most in 2021?
Hugging my friends.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020?
The traumatic elements of my childhood weren't my fault.
It feels a bit odd reviewing 2020 with the same format as I used for the previous six, but I think it's something I will appreciate having in the future.
Was 2020 a good year for you?
For the last few years I've commented that it's been a much better year for me personally than for the world in general, and that continues to be the case, although perhaps would be better phrased as it's been a much worse year for the world in general than it has for me.
This year I figured out my vocation as a spiritual director and began the formation process of making that vocation a reality, which has been one of the single biggest positive changes in my life to date. And the change in the pace and structure of my life brought about by lockdown was definitely a contributing factor to that discernment process, and has enabled me to reap more of the benefits of it than I otherwise might have been able to. A combination of luck, circumstances, privilege and temperament has meant that I have been insulated from a lot of the negative impacts of the pandemic and other events in the outside world, and I am extraordinarily grateful for that.
But it has still been This Fucking Year. I have still missed people and community and important events. I have still despaired at the way some people and governments have responded. I have struggled at times to find a balance between feeling that I should be using my relative privilege as much as possible to support people in a worse position and wrestling with guilt for taking time to rest and recharge. I have had some quite painful personal stuff to process which, although not directly caused by the pandemic, was certainly made more complicated by it.
So yeah, of course it wasn't a good year, but it had some good bits, and that's enough.
What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before?
Started the formation process of becoming a spiritual director. Had psychotherapy voluntarily. Organised a /lot/ of online readthroughs. Organised a bible study group.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I've been doing quarterly goal setting rather than annual resolutions, although for the last three quarters I've been deliberately scaling them back and trying to do less. One goal that I've been working on for the last three quarters with limited success is about managing my sleep pattern, and I'd really like to nail that one this year.
Did someone close to you give birth?
No. But my youngest sister is expecting in April, which is quite exciting.
Did anyone close to you die?
Not to me, but two of my closest friends lost parents this year, and my heart aches for them.
What countries did you visit?
Funnily enough, none...
What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?
Obviously I am looking forward to getting back many of the things that this virus has taken from us. Hugging my friends, church services with music, eating together, theatre, group holidays and in person readthroughs.
But these are small things, and my real important hopes for 2021 aren't for me. What I want is for the world to react to this reminder of how fragile our lives and societies can be by opening up and reaching out and doing what we can to protect one another and the most vulnerable most of all. I want the celebration of keyworkers to be realised as a genuine and lasting appreciation of how important service jobs are. I want policies like furlough and stimulus checks to shift perceptions to be more supportive of fiscal redistribution. I want the new awareness of the viability of working-from-home to lead to a wider appreciation of the benefits of increasing accessibility.
What events from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
There's surprisingly little that stands out - this year feels more like a lot of interconnected threads, and the events themselves blur into one another.
What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Not letting my feelings about our breakup stop me being the friend
leonato needed.What was your biggest failure(s)?
I don't think there's been anything big. I haven't been as good at keeping in touch with people as I would have liked, and I wish I'd made more progress on Project Sort Out My Sleep Cycle, but nothing big.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. I had stage 2 of my phalloplasty in August, but recovered reasonably well.
I did quite a lot of work on processing the impacts of my autism and adhd diagnosis, and feel like I've got that a lot more integrated now.
What was the best thing you bought?
Does paying the fees for my spiritual direction course count?
Where did most of your money go?
Charity, mortgage, mending the roof.
Unsurprisingly I spent a lot less on things like restaurants and travel this year, and whilst I definitely want to get some of that back, I may need to give some thought to how much is really necessary.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Excited only really covers a part of the feeling, which is more delighted and uplifted; but my vocation and my faith and spiritual life more generally.
Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. Happier or sadder? Happier. I was, by my standards, struggling quite a bit at this point last year, and the stuff that I was struggling with is pretty much all resolved now, so even with all that has been 2020, I'm happier now.
ii. Richer or poorer? Richer
iii. Healthier or iller? Maybe a little less healthy, but still pretty robust. I've been deliberately letting exercise take a back seat the last few months whilst I focus on other priorities, and will make an effort to pick that up again a bit in the new year.
What do you wish you'd done more of?
If we exclude the things that I wish I'd been allowed to do, then prayer and private journalling (although I still did more of both than I usually manage)
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Angsting about things I have no control over.
How did you spend Christmas?
At home with
obandsoller and robert_jones - already written about here How was your religious year?
Revelatory and transformative. I went to St Beuno's again near the start of the year and that was once again an important catalyst - this time planting the seed of the idea that maybe I had some of the qualities that make a good spiritual director, as well drawing out some threads about rest and busyness and making time and space. Being in lockdown and almost having less busyness enforced was actually really helpful to me in exploring what it means for me to rest and have enough space, and although I'm still constantly fighting a rearguard action against overfilling my time, I'm doing better and better at making time for God, and for the human relationships that matter to me.
That extra space allowed the seed of my vocation to grow, and in the summer a conversation with Mthr Alice brought it fully to life, and I applied for and started Encounter, a three year formation programme with the London Centre for Spiritual Direction. Term one has been wonderful. Nourishing and challenging and joyful and hard work and affirming. I am feeling a lot more humble than when I started about how much I have to learn to be good at this, but more sure than ever that it is what I am being called to do.
Did you fall in love in 2020?
No. In the last couple of months I have mostly fallen out of love with Mark, although that feels like an overly simplistic phrase for a change whereby I love as much and deeply as ever, just with a different quality and flavour.
How many one-night stands?
None, funnily enough.
How has your romantic life been generally
Generally very good. I have very much enjoyed spending so much more time at home with
obandsoller, and he seems to have enjoyed having me around more. Our relationship continues to grow and deepen and develop, and I am ridiculously lucky.What is the best thing you created in 2020?
I think the online readthroughs were a Good Thing for quite a few people, so I'm quite pleased with that. I also cooked a lot more new recipes than I usually manage.
What was your favourite TV program?
I'm not sure - I haven't watched very much TV this year.
What were the best books you read?
I have thoroughly enjoyed making my way through KJ Charles' entire back catalogue, so thank you to all who recommended them. Also, not sure if it counts as a book I read, but Meera Sodha's East has been responsible for an awful lot of the delicious food I've been cooking in the second half of this year.
What were your favourite musical discoveries this year?
Nothing leaps to mind.
What did you want and get?
President-Elect Joe Biden, a vocation.
What did you want and not get?
*gestures despairingly at the world*
What was/were your favourite film/s and plays this year?
I watched a lot of the streamed theatre in early lockdown and enjoyed a lot of it. This House and Small Island at the NT were amongst the standouts.
What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I was 39. I can't actually remember what I did, but mostly ignore it.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?
Not much change from last year, when I said: It's all gone a bit Steve Jobs. I've basically been living in black skinny jeans and turtleneck tops, although the tops do occasionally venture into purple/green/burgundy. Mostly black though, let's be honest.
Who and what kept you sane?
I think I managed to maintain and even improve my mental health this year with the help of a good therapist, ongoing self-analysis, and prayer.
What political issue(s) stirred you the most?
My answer from previous years still applies. "I get horrified when I think about politics too much, and perhaps it's wrong of me to react to this by not thinking about it, but I don't know that forcing myself to look would actually help very much, so I don't."
Who did you miss?
Everyone, obviously.
Who was the best new person you met?
I "met" lots of wonderful people at Encounter, but Bev and Clare in my tutor group stand out particularly.
Have you changed your hairstyle?
Yes! Having finally got it to the length I wanted it at, I got to keep it there for a few months before deciding that my hairline is receeding too much, so had most of it cut off, and am actually really pleased with it. I might tweak it slightly over the coming months, but 'messy androgynous pixie cut' seems to be quite a good look for me.
What are you looking forward to most in 2021?
Hugging my friends.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020?
The traumatic elements of my childhood weren't my fault.