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One thing that came out of my long retreat that I meant to write about here but never got round to was a decision to bring an end to my time at St Luke's. The main reason for this was that although I had never been made to feel anything other than warmly welcomed at St Luke's itself, the leadership of the HTB network have become a lot more explicit and vocal in their homophobia in response to the ongoing work to put into action synod's decision to introduce blessing of same-sex relationships. I was also conscious that I had a bit too much stuff in my life, and needed to ensure I was focusing my energies where they were most needed. And I'd originally told myself I would spend at least six months worshipping at St Luke's, so to leave nearly two years later was reasonable enough.
Everyone was extremely gracious when I told them why I was leaving (which I mostly did by posting to a couple of church WhatsApp groups, although only after I'd emailed the vicar personally with a rather longer explanation), and several people reached out individually asking to stay in touch, or suggesting coffee or drinks, which lead to some really good conversations and some explicit "you've given me real food for thought and open my eyes to things I'd not noticed before" kinds of comments. So I think that I achieved both my aims, that of getting a real heart and bone level understanding of the value of charismatic worship and community, and that of being a clear and visible example of what a happily married queer Christian can look like in practice.
Anyway, in some sense that is all mostly preamble to give context when I now say that last Sunday I went back in order to say an in person goodbye before I leave for Belgium. I was a bit nervous about doing so, but I'm awfully glad I did. I was struck again by the warmth and enthusiasm that everyone there shows for one another - the number of people showing clear delight at seeing me was incredibly touching. It was also a reminder of how much I enjoy singing in church. Not that I don't enjoy playing my recorder at St John's as well, but it's quite different. After the service one of the assistant curates asked if she could pray for me, and I acquiesced. It still feels a little bit odd, standing there whilst people pray out loud with their hands on your shoulder, but much less than it did. And the prayers were lovely and heartfelt, and included specifically asking that my marriage would grow and thrive through the change to being long-distance as Ramesh & I learn new ways of being together, which felt like a tiny "fuck you" to the homophobes from her on my behalf.
And then this Sunday was my last day at St John's; if not necessarily forever, certainly my last time there as a regular member of the congregation for at least a couple of years. It's been more than ten years since I first turned up there, for nearly all of which I've held some position of responsibility or other. So it's quite weird to be moving on. I picked up my cassock and cotta and other bits and pieces, and gave back my keys. Mother Alice gave a lovely, but not too long or embarrassing speech, and also prayed for me, but in rather more formal language, which chimed rather more harmoniously with my heartstrings. I had chosen one of my favourite hymns, "Tell out my Soul" as the final one, and after playing the introduction, I switched to singing, which perfectly expressed the joy and excitement and gratitude with which I am stepping into this new stage in my life.
Everyone was extremely gracious when I told them why I was leaving (which I mostly did by posting to a couple of church WhatsApp groups, although only after I'd emailed the vicar personally with a rather longer explanation), and several people reached out individually asking to stay in touch, or suggesting coffee or drinks, which lead to some really good conversations and some explicit "you've given me real food for thought and open my eyes to things I'd not noticed before" kinds of comments. So I think that I achieved both my aims, that of getting a real heart and bone level understanding of the value of charismatic worship and community, and that of being a clear and visible example of what a happily married queer Christian can look like in practice.
Anyway, in some sense that is all mostly preamble to give context when I now say that last Sunday I went back in order to say an in person goodbye before I leave for Belgium. I was a bit nervous about doing so, but I'm awfully glad I did. I was struck again by the warmth and enthusiasm that everyone there shows for one another - the number of people showing clear delight at seeing me was incredibly touching. It was also a reminder of how much I enjoy singing in church. Not that I don't enjoy playing my recorder at St John's as well, but it's quite different. After the service one of the assistant curates asked if she could pray for me, and I acquiesced. It still feels a little bit odd, standing there whilst people pray out loud with their hands on your shoulder, but much less than it did. And the prayers were lovely and heartfelt, and included specifically asking that my marriage would grow and thrive through the change to being long-distance as Ramesh & I learn new ways of being together, which felt like a tiny "fuck you" to the homophobes from her on my behalf.
And then this Sunday was my last day at St John's; if not necessarily forever, certainly my last time there as a regular member of the congregation for at least a couple of years. It's been more than ten years since I first turned up there, for nearly all of which I've held some position of responsibility or other. So it's quite weird to be moving on. I picked up my cassock and cotta and other bits and pieces, and gave back my keys. Mother Alice gave a lovely, but not too long or embarrassing speech, and also prayed for me, but in rather more formal language, which chimed rather more harmoniously with my heartstrings. I had chosen one of my favourite hymns, "Tell out my Soul" as the final one, and after playing the introduction, I switched to singing, which perfectly expressed the joy and excitement and gratitude with which I am stepping into this new stage in my life.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-02 01:14 pm (UTC)From:(I love "Tell out my Soul".)
no subject
Date: 2024-09-02 02:51 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 10:17 pm (UTC)From:My goodness, goodbye (for now) to St. John's! That must be a wrench, but hopefully not for ever.
Have you looked into potential churches in Brussels/Leuven? I presume Brussels would have some sort of Anglican congregation, being such an international city (though presumably less British since 2020, grumble).
no subject
Date: 2024-09-04 02:54 am (UTC)From:I'm planning to go to St Jean Berchmans, which is attached to the Jesuit college of St Michel. A few months ago I emailed the père superior to ask if he was happy for me to receive as an anglican catholic, and got the response "L’important est votre foi en l'eucharistie.. présence réelle du Christ ressuscité. Alors oui"
I've been there a couple of times already, once on holiday last year, and once a few weeks ago when I was over here looking at flats, and I definitely felt like I could be at home there. And their 7am weekday mass had about three times as many attendees as St John's on a Sunday, so I might even manage to resist going immediately into being on all the rotas.
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Date: 2024-09-06 05:21 pm (UTC)From:Ah, that's awesome! Good to know there's still priests who will... broadly interpret the Vatican's teachings! And I don't know what language your course will be in, but if it is in English, then going to mass in French will do wonders for your listening and speaking.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 10:35 am (UTC)From:The course is in English, but my plan is to conduct as much as possible of the rest of my life in French (and when I'm a bit further past 'complete beginner' in Dutch). I can manage to follow sermons (and speeches, lectures, and so on), but it's amazing how much more difficult it gets when there's background noise and people talking back and forth and so on. I still find films and TV pretty challenging, but I'll keep working on it.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 08:08 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 10:37 am (UTC)From:I'm looking forward to discovering all the subtle differences I'd forgotten between Roman and Anglo-Catholic churches in the weeks to come.