Today in "Hang on, is that an autism thing?"

[wildeabandon]

So I have a bit of a pattern, where something not great happens to me, and I think "Oh, that's not great, but it's not the end of the world", and if it's a thing someone else did to me I tend to reassure them that it's not a big deal, and generally look for as charitable an explanation for it as possible, and then I shrug and go on with my day.

And then a couple of hours or half a day later I realise that I'm feeling really fragile and miserable, and perseverating about what I could have done or said differently, and what I might say differently if I'm in a related situation in the future, and then I finally twig that the thing might not have been the end of the world but it's also not nothing and I am in fact pretty upset about it.

And some of the in-the-moment behaviours of minimising and reassuring probably stems from not wanting to cause a fuss, but I think mostly it's just down to a disconnect where my awareness of my own emotional reactions is somehow limited.

Does this sound familiar to any of you?

(Also, I would like sympathy please. Someone said something pretty hurtful earlier, and although it's not true, the weaker version of it that does have some truth in it is something that I'm painfully insecure about despite working really hard to build confidence in. And although I shrugged it off in the moment with a "Thank you for the robust feedback" that I genuinely meant at the time, I'm now feeling pretty miserable.)

Comments

[blue_mai]

That sounds *very* familiar to me, and as far as I'm aware I'm norm-core neurotypical so I think it might just be a humans thing. Sometimes my brain will furiously run over and over whatever it was to the point of exhaustion and I practically pass out. Also, for me the two reactions it's not like the in the moment (thank you for the robust feedback) one is incorrect or false - I authentically hold both responses. (Even aside from the not wanting to cause a fuss, which is also a strong tendency.)
Also - *much sympathy*

[sfred]

Oh, that sounds very familiar.
*sends love and sympathy*

[ludy]

First of all Sympathy.

I can only answer maybe? Because it's a thing that a lot of people do for a lot of different reasons and in different ways...
It could be about wanting to avoid conflict and following social rules for being nice - which are pretty common might be stronger urges in people who have experienced trauma, or who find it hard to predict how other people might react or who are more comfortable having social rules/roles to follow than they are with in-the-moment-self-reflection or assertiveness. And obviously many/most of (particularly late diagnosed) autistic adults have been through trauma but so have quite a lot of neurotypicals. Would ypu have felt afraid react more strongly in the moment? Where you following a politeness/cultural script in how you responded at the time? Was your reaction related to a power differential? Were you responding as if you were in a past situation/dynamic?
Or it might be about not being fully in touch with your feelings until later - because processing emotion takes spoons (which may be generally low or be being eaten by stuff having concurrently with the difficult thing as well as being reduced by the difficult thing), because a person tends to have monotropic focus and can either do Thoughts or Feelings but not both at once (i am like this) or because some people generally find it difficult to be aware of the emotions as they happen (alexithymia can be co-morbid with autism but isn't a necessary part of being Spectrum). Are there times when you are more or less aware of your feelings in-the-moment? Even when you are aware of your feelings do you need time/space to work out how to express/process them?
Or it could be a problem of rumination and over focusing on negative experiences - which is common in people experiencing depression and/or anxiety. Which are both kinds of HeadWeasles that can and do happen to anyone but Autistic people are particularly vulnerable. Are you experiencing intrusive negative thoughts? How much mentally replaying a situation do you need to tell yourself "yes, that happened and it hurt and i might act different if it happened again" and how much is unhelpful?

And i'm sure there are other possibilities i've not even thought of.

[ludy]

Ultimately a lot of "autism things" are things that a lot of different flavpurs of people do - it's just that Autistic People do them more often/more intensly...

[wildeabandon]

Thank you - this comment is really helpful in getting me to tease out exactly what's happening. One thing that I've realised on reflection which seems quite significant is that the only emotion it seems to happen with is sadness. I don't have any difficulty identifying when I'm happy, or angry, or scared, or guilty, or embarrassed.

I think that probably means that it isn't alexithymia, and it probably isn't straightforwardly about conflict avoidance (although I suspect it does interact with the latter unhelpfully).

The thing about putting it off until later because "processing emotions takes spoons" feels like it might well be a big factor. I think another thing might be that it's quite hard to distinguish sadness in particular as a seperate thing from depression, and although I haven't been depressed for a very long time now, because I was for so much of my formative years, I didn't learn "this is what sadness feels like" when I was doing that with all the other emotions, and somehow it's never managed to catch up.

[ewt]

I do this.

Most recent extreme example is when the asthma nurse nagged me in a really unhelpful way about being overweight (at the same time as pointing out what I already knew, which is that my peak flow and asthma management in general is pretty excellent) and I was slightly annoyed at the time, but didn't think I was desperately bothered about it. But it turned out I was upset enough that I then didn't go back to the GP for literally months, despite other things that needed seeing to.

[zz]

yeah, i do that (and am right now about something someone did a few months ago), but i'm not convinced it's an autism thing. just a conflict version of "esprit de l'escalier", and processing things taking time.

[yiskah]

Oof, I’m sorry, that sounds horrible!

This is something that is extremely familiar to me (though in my case it’s often days / weeks / months later that the emotional response filters though). It’s actually something I’ve been talking about to my ADHD coach, as linked to the emotional dysregulation aspects of ADHD, so could possibly be that for you as well?

[miss_s_b]

Yes, this is very much something I do too.

[kaberett]

I think I think of this more as a trauma thing than an autism thing.

[ceb]

Yes, definitely. Also in the aftermath I often find myself feeling guilty about things that are not even veguely my fault.

I have found meditation helps massively with not running round and round the mental hamster wheel.

[doseybat]

yes this is a pretty accurate description of what happens to me A LOT.

[doseybat]

Except if the thing made me angry - then I often do not realise at all, or not until years later. Anger doesn't work properly. But sadness/hurt usually come through like you describe, with a delay of a couple of hours.

[halojedha]

Same. Sadness tends to be pretty quick for me but anger takes ages. Seconding what others have said about trauma.

[halojedha]

Also *much* sympathy with the hurtful thing! It's so painful to be criticised for things we feel ashamed of. I recognise "thank you for the feedback" as a template which makes us less vulnerable in the moment, which is probably helpful if someone is being mean. But that doesn't mean the vulnerability isn't there. It'll just need you to feel more safe before you can fully process it.